Jokes 21-30

21
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
PUPIL: A teacher. 


22
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know,
when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it
with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could
bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By
the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees,
no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand" 
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!"


23
Dave and Bo went elk hunting every year. The forest
was so thick that they had to hire a helicopter to
take them in and out. At the hunt's end, Dave and Bo
called up the helicopter to come and get them and the
six elks they had shot. 
On arrival, the helicopter pilot looked over the
catch. "I can only carry half of your catch," he said.
"Six elk would be too heavy for the helicopter." 
"Last year the helicopter carried six elk," replied
Dave. "And it was the same type of helicopter as yours
and the weather conditions were exactly the same." 
The pilot succumbed to persuasion and took aboard the
hunters and their six elk. The helicopter could not
gain height and skimmed along the tops of the trees
for a mile or so, and then crashed. Fortunately no-one
was hurt. 
"Do you know where we are?" asked Bo. 
"Yes," replied Dave, "about a hundred yards from where
we crashed last year."


24
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen
possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the
discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none
of us really know when, but if we did we would all do
a better job of preparing ourselves for that
inevitable event." 
"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this
comment." 
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do
if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining
before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" 
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community
and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet
accepted the Lord into their lives." 
"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group
members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would
dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my
family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater
conviction." 
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and
all the group members agreed, that would be a very
good thing to do. 
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly
and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for
the 4 weeks." 
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group
leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?" 
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said,
"Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my
life!"


25
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless
me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose
woman." 
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?" 
"Yes father, it is I." 
"Who was the woman you were with?" 
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her
reputation." 
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 
"No father." 
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" 
"No father." 
"Was it Ann Brown?" 
"No father, I cannot tell you." 
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you
must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five
Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." 
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides
over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I
got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good
leads."


26
What's the longest word? Smiles! Why? Because it has a
mile in it!


27
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine
restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a
table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so
slowly sliding down his chair under the table while
Mary acted unconcerned. 
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down
his chair and out of sight under the table. Still,
Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware
that John had disappeared under the table. 
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came
over to the table and said to the woman, 
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid
under the table." 
The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh,
no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front
door."


28
A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's
horrified to see her husband in bed with a young
woman. 
She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband
says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I
saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by
the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was
hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some
of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely
worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't
wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I
gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear
because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks
were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that
don't fit you anymore. 
Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she
stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your
wife no longer uses?'


29
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do
you do here?" he asked. 
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take
off all our clothes and commune with nature." 
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid
his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled
off. 
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which
read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw
another sign which read the same thing "Beware of
Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small
clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. 
He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
"Sorry....You've had two warnings!"


30
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." 
The husband says " WHAT???" 
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. 
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. 
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " 
The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode. 
When the husband sees that he says: 
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".