Jokes 31-40

31
A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they
are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks
over at the elephant. 
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad,
what's that hanging down from the elephant?" 
His father replies "That's his trunk son." 
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back." 
"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father. 
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs." 
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis,
son." 
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute,
and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me
that was nothing." 
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember
that your mother is a very spoiled woman." 


32
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away
from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister
Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint
o' the brandy." 
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could
never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my
life!" 
"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother
Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her
constipation, you know." 
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack
closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine;
and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing,
whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird,
right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so
Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the
Mother Superior's constipation!" 
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she
replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she
sees me, she's going to shit!" 


33
This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew
up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the
Italian boy was the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. 
Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a 
Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta. 
The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts
with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his
father and his father is NOT pleased! 
"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna
settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that
stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your
wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"


34
A man was walking along the street when he saw a
ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do,
he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which
sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or
climb the ladder to success," she said. 
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder
to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly
thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." 
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady
who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or
climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he
turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was getting better the
further he went. 
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim,
attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb
the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine
what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again. When he reached the next
cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair
showing, flies buzzing around his head. 
"Who are you?" the man asked. 
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"


35
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. 
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good
idea. 
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. 
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she
whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" 
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"


36
Q: Did you hear about the idiot that locked his keys
in his car?  
A: Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his
family out.


37
Q: Why do idiot dogs have flat noses?  
A: From chasing parked cars.


38
Q: What did the idiot mother say when her daughter
said she was pregnant?  
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"


39
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?   
A: Right where you left him.



40
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 
A: A nervous wreck.