Jokes 41-50

41

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?   

A: A stick.

42

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran

into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen,

etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,

grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" 

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

43

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4

minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered -

"I guess you'd be eating alone!"

44

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". 

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

45

Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began

hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. 

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he

slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. 

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. 

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. 

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

46

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. 

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" 

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. 

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she

agreed." 

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" 

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." 

"Sensible" says Jeff. 

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." 

"And what happened then?" 

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) 

"I kicked her in the face."

47

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

48

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in 

court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and 

I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to 

go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them 

to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. 

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, 

"How did you do over the weekend?" 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." 

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: 

    __ 

 /      \ 

|       |    O 

 \  __ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this 

(small circle) is your brain after drugs." 

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd 

boy) 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." 

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" 

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the 

small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"

49

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. 

"Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"

She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!" 

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it,  crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. 

"Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck. 

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in  distress. 

"Yes?" she replied. 

"Do you have a Kleenex?" 

"No, not anymore," she answered. 

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

50

Heard about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse!