Jokes 51-60

51
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"


52
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good
morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes
and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom
doorknob to keep my husband out!"


53
Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon. They both look at the far
end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who
came in a while back.
The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, "Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn't
she?"
The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks
back at his friend and says, "well, I guess what they say is
true, then, eh?"
The first fellow asks, "Well, what DO they say?"  The second
fellow answers, "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!"


54
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun!The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."


55
There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them. The American said to the Irishman: "I bet I could jump
off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off." So he
jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof.
"There. Now you try." he said to the Irishman.
So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.
The New Zealander said to the American : "Jeez, Superman, you
are a real jerk sometimes!"


56
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating
buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She
wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip
through traffic around town. He would probably have
settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her
a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard
from him since.


57
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him,
so one day he decided to trick them into doing some
work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one
among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please
put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth
man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.


58
Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.


59
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."
"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"


60
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who  congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the
most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."